Grief sneaks up on me at odd times. I might be changing a diaper and think about how I want to introduce Josie to my dad (or at least send him photos), when all of a sudden, I realize I won't have that opportunity.
My biological father has come closer to the frame, but is still not in the picture. When I say my dad, I refer to Bob, my first step-father. My mother and him started dating when I was about 2 and married soon after. They divorced when I was 9. Things certainly weren't happy-go-lucky. I should probably be in therapy for those years... But I continued to see Bob and remained in contact with him until a couple of years ago.
The last time I tried to visit him in December of 2007, he never returned my phone calls. It ended up that he was in the hospital, but too proud to let me know. My dad was also invited to my wedding in November 2008. He RSVP'd yes. He had a reserved seat in the 2nd row. He never showed up. I enjoyed my day, and pretended that it didn't bother me, but it did. He never called or emailed or gave an explanation. I kept intending to send pictures, but I got pregnant and life was busy. I was going to call once I had the baby. I was still kind of angry.
Bob died at home sometime in the late night or early morning on September 26/27 - the exact same time I was laboring and giving birth to Josie. He had been in and out of the hospital over the past few years with diabetes complications and heart surgeries. My aunt informed me that he had been in the hospital during my wedding. I didn't know because I was too petty to call first. He was a very stubborn man and never thought he mattered enough for people to care or worry about him, so I should've known he wouldn't call.
Being that he died on the same day I had Josie, I really haven't grieved. I had to put that on the back burner to take care of the baby and myself. There was no funeral. When asked if there was anything I wanted from his house, I said the photo albums - He had kept all the photo albums when my mom & I left. I was told that wasn't possible. The family didn't know where they were in the house and they were just hiring a service to clean out the house. (Then why ask me what I want!?! Which also means my childhood photos were trashed.) I called his number the other day, and his voice was still on the voicemail, telling me he wasn't there & I knew what to do. (Yes, I'm a masochist.)
I am so sorry, Dad. I should've been persistent. I should've called sooner.
I hope your soul is finally at peace.
Me
About Me
- Rose
- I am an artist at heart who can't pick a direction. I sew, I photograph, I design, I cook, I grow. I have my BA in Photography, my MA in Publications Design. What I really want is to be whimsical and dreamy and make the art I want and eventually do it while raising some kids. My husband and I are both from Florida (different parts and we met in Baltimore!) After 12 years in Baltimore, I have moved back to FL (hubby's side of the state). Now that we've had our first child, we're going into overdrive on that whole getting life where we want it thing...
4 comments:
I'm sorry you are hurting. I am praying for your peace.
Im so sorry, Thinking of you. :(
Hayley
I read this post a couple of days ago, the same day my iPod Genius was playing a song of Oasis, when I thought about the day I lost my dad. It sneaks up on you at odd times. Yes, it is. I am so sorry. Hope you do well, and give me a call when you need. OK?
I cannot believe I didn't have the right URL and was missing all this. I've spent the past day catching up on old posts... so don't be surprised if you get more than a few comments ;~)
As for this post. There are no words. I am so sorry it happened the way it did... like it was written for a tv drama. I can't imagine the pain you're going through but I am glad it's bubbling up. It was good that you buried it when Josie was born... you had to. But I am so glad it's coming to the surface now so you can deal with it. Keep writing, keep talking and keep working through it. Love you much!
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